What
is Self-Esteem?
Webster’s dictionary defines self-esteem as a confidence and
satisfaction in oneself; self-respect. Self-esteem (or self-image) is how you
think and feel about yourself.
Someone with healthy self-esteem feels they are worthy and
able to cope with life’s challenges. They have a positive, yet realistic view
of themselves and their abilities. Even when things seem to go wrong, they are
able to accept themselves and feel they are worthy. People with low self-esteem
or low self-confidence doubt their abilities and have unrealistic expectations
for themselves. Their sense of self-worth is excessively dependent on what
others think and they often put themselves down or judge themselves very
harshly.
To summarize, self-esteem is made up of the thoughts and
feelings that you have about yourself and is influenced by the way you talk to
yourself (i.e., your inner dialogue). As humans, one of our unique abilities is
the awareness of ourselves. We are aware of what we do and our impact on others
and ourselves. This ability allows us to live in a world with others and
develop close relationships. Our internal voice judges our behavior on a daily
basis and makes adjustments based on feedback from others. A person with low
self-esteem has an overly critical voice with a negative slant; nothing is good
enough, failures are highlighted and you are always criticized. Psychologist
Eugene Sagan terms this voice "the pathological critic" – always
looking for the negative and never seeing the positive.
How
Does Self-Esteem Develop?
Our sense of ourselves develops throughout our lives. As
infants and young children, much of our sense of self comes from our parents.
When parents provide an accepting and nurturing environment, children develop a
solid foundation on which to develop good feelings about themselves. If parents
are excessively demanding or critical (or discourage moves toward
independence), children may begin to doubt themselves and feel inadequate or
unworthy. As children grow, attend school and develop peer relationships,
successes and failures in these relationships affect self-esteem as well. Thus,
the messages we are sent eventually become internalized and can become the
messages we send ourselves. We then develop a set of assumptions and beliefs
about ourselves based on prior experiences.
Critical
Beliefs and Thought Patterns that Create Low Self-Esteem
There are many ways in which people talk to themselves. We
may encourage ourselves during a difficult task, "Keep at it. You’re
almost done. You can do it." We may also talk to ourselves in a negative
voice. Although it is important to evaluate ourselves accurately, if this voice
is constant or very negative it can do harm to our self-esteem and is termed
the "pathological critic". The pathological critic keeps up a
negative stream of self-talk. "You can’t do it. You’re stupid. You’ll
never make it." Frequent techniques used by the pathological critic which
undermine self-esteem are:
Overgeneralization. If
you did not do well in one situation, the pathological critic over generalizes
to all situations – "I got a D on the quiz in Math today. I’m going to
flunk that class and all the rest. I’ll never be able to graduate from
college."
Global Labeling. Your
pathological critic uses pejorative labels to describe yourself rather than
accurately describing your qualities. If you withdraw from a class you’re
having difficulty in, you’re pathological critic may label you – "I’m a
quitter. I never finish anything. I’m a loser."
Minimization of the Positive.
With the pathological critic, good things don’t count nearly as much as bad
ones. You focus on the negative and discount the positive – "I won four
tennis matches but lost one and that makes me feel terrible about myself."
Comparing Yourself to Others.
The pathological critic scans the room and finds the people who are better
in some way. Person A is prettier, person B is smarter and person C is a better
athlete. Somehow, these all get combined into one perfect person who has
everything you should have and you are unworthy in comparison.
Ways
to Improve Your Self-Esteem
Be Patient – Change takes time and is an ongoing process.
Remember a time in the past when you learned a difficult skill. You didn’t
learn to ride a bike or swim or rollerblade the first time out. It involved
many attempts and many mistakes (and many bumps and bruises). Improving your
self-esteem is the same kind of process.
Challenge
your Pathological Critic
Notice the ways
that you put yourself down. Make a list of the negative statements you make to
yourself everyday.
Challenge each
negative statement
a. "Just because I got a D on that test, doesn’t mean I
won’t be able to graduate from college. I just need to talk to the professor
and learn a new way of studying that material."
b. "Dropping one class doesn’t mean I am a quitter.
I’ve finished many other things in my life. It means that subject was difficult
for me."
Emphasize
the Positive – Give yourself credit for everything you try,
whether you succeed or not. Focus on the effort rather than on the end product.
Utilize
"Thought Stopping" – When you find yourself
thinking a negative thought about yourself, imagine a large stop sign and tell
yourself to "STOP". Switch to a more positive thought such as
"I’m okay." "I’m a good person".
Set
Realistic Goals – Start with small steps and give yourself
credit for each little step you achieve. When your confidence is low, it takes
an extra effort to even begin. Instead of worrying about being perfect, praise
yourself for making an effort.
List
the Positive – Make a list of positive things about
yourself and post them in a place you see every day. Spend a few moments
accepting the positive.
Fake
it "Til You Make it – Tell yourself positive things
even if you don’t believe them at first. Sometimes it may take awhile to see
that you really are a worthwhile person, that others like you, and that you are
succeeding.
Be
Compassionate with Yourself – Frequently, we are more
compassionate and accepting with others than with ourselves. Give yourself the
same understanding and acceptance you give others.
What
is Self-Esteem?
Webster’s dictionary defines self-esteem as a confidence and
satisfaction in oneself; self-respect. Self-esteem (or self-image) is how you
think and feel about yourself.
Someone with healthy self-esteem feels they are worthy and
able to cope with life’s challenges. They have a positive, yet realistic view
of themselves and their abilities. Even when things seem to go wrong, they are
able to accept themselves and feel they are worthy. People with low self-esteem
or low self-confidence doubt their abilities and have unrealistic expectations
for themselves. Their sense of self-worth is excessively dependent on what
others think and they often put themselves down or judge themselves very
harshly.
To summarize, self-esteem is made up of the thoughts and
feelings that you have about yourself and is influenced by the way you talk to
yourself (i.e., your inner dialogue). As humans, one of our unique abilities is
the awareness of ourselves. We are aware of what we do and our impact on others
and ourselves. This ability allows us to live in a world with others and
develop close relationships. Our internal voice judges our behavior on a daily
basis and makes adjustments based on feedback from others. A person with low
self-esteem has an overly critical voice with a negative slant; nothing is good
enough, failures are highlighted and you are always criticized. Psychologist
Eugene Sagan terms this voice "the pathological critic" – always
looking for the negative and never seeing the positive.
How
Does Self-Esteem Develop?
Our sense of ourselves develops throughout our lives. As
infants and young children, much of our sense of self comes from our parents.
When parents provide an accepting and nurturing environment, children develop a
solid foundation on which to develop good feelings about themselves. If parents
are excessively demanding or critical (or discourage moves toward
independence), children may begin to doubt themselves and feel inadequate or
unworthy. As children grow, attend school and develop peer relationships,
successes and failures in these relationships affect self-esteem as well. Thus,
the messages we are sent eventually become internalized and can become the
messages we send ourselves. We then develop a set of assumptions and beliefs
about ourselves based on prior experiences.
Critical
Beliefs and Thought Patterns that Create Low Self-Esteem
There are many ways in which people talk to themselves. We
may encourage ourselves during a difficult task, "Keep at it. You’re
almost done. You can do it." We may also talk to ourselves in a negative
voice. Although it is important to evaluate ourselves accurately, if this voice
is constant or very negative it can do harm to our self-esteem and is termed
the "pathological critic". The pathological critic keeps up a
negative stream of self-talk. "You can’t do it. You’re stupid. You’ll
never make it." Frequent techniques used by the pathological critic which
undermine self-esteem are:
Overgeneralization. If
you did not do well in one situation, the pathological critic over generalizes
to all situations – "I got a D on the quiz in Math today. I’m going to
flunk that class and all the rest. I’ll never be able to graduate from
college."
Global Labeling. Your
pathological critic uses pejorative labels to describe yourself rather than
accurately describing your qualities. If you withdraw from a class you’re
having difficulty in, you’re pathological critic may label you – "I’m a
quitter. I never finish anything. I’m a loser."
Minimization of the Positive.
With the pathological critic, good things don’t count nearly as much as bad
ones. You focus on the negative and discount the positive – "I won four
tennis matches but lost one and that makes me feel terrible about myself."
Comparing Yourself to Others.
The pathological critic scans the room and finds the people who are better
in some way. Person A is prettier, person B is smarter and person C is a better
athlete. Somehow, these all get combined into one perfect person who has
everything you should have and you are unworthy in comparison.
Ways
to Improve Your Self-Esteem
Be Patient – Change takes time and is an ongoing process.
Remember a time in the past when you learned a difficult skill. You didn’t
learn to ride a bike or swim or rollerblade the first time out. It involved
many attempts and many mistakes (and many bumps and bruises). Improving your
self-esteem is the same kind of process.
Challenge
your Pathological Critic
Notice the ways
that you put yourself down. Make a list of the negative statements you make to
yourself everyday.
Challenge each
negative statement
a. "Just because I got a D on that test, doesn’t mean I
won’t be able to graduate from college. I just need to talk to the professor
and learn a new way of studying that material."
b. "Dropping one class doesn’t mean I am a quitter.
I’ve finished many other things in my life. It means that subject was difficult
for me."
Emphasize
the Positive – Give yourself credit for everything you try,
whether you succeed or not. Focus on the effort rather than on the end product.
Utilize
"Thought Stopping" – When you find yourself
thinking a negative thought about yourself, imagine a large stop sign and tell
yourself to "STOP". Switch to a more positive thought such as
"I’m okay." "I’m a good person".
Set
Realistic Goals – Start with small steps and give yourself
credit for each little step you achieve. When your confidence is low, it takes
an extra effort to even begin. Instead of worrying about being perfect, praise
yourself for making an effort.
List
the Positive – Make a list of positive things about
yourself and post them in a place you see every day. Spend a few moments
accepting the positive.
Fake
it "Til You Make it – Tell yourself positive things
even if you don’t believe them at first. Sometimes it may take awhile to see
that you really are a worthwhile person, that others like you, and that you are
succeeding.
Be
Compassionate with Yourself – Frequently, we are more
compassionate and accepting with others than with ourselves. Give yourself the
same understanding and acceptance you give others.
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